My last blog discussed involuntary reactivity:
The behaviors and verbal replies that originate from the “feeling” part of the brain before we are consciously aware of them. We roll our eyes, sigh in exasperation, fold our arms, turn away, narrow our eyes, and tighten our lips. We reply with “you always,” “you never",” or “whatever” type statements and exhibit hundreds of other reactions. These actions are not consciously chosen. Instead, they emanate from the central part of our brain devoted to self-protection. In my thirty-plus years of counseling, I have come to believe that reactivity is enemy number one for a marriage. This is because each occurrence tends to mortar one more brick on the wall that separates a couple.” — from The Responsive Marriage by Dr. Donald W. Welch
Our desire is to be in an intimate relationship with our partner but this involuntary reactivity can keep a couple from having a deep and satisfying relationship. None of us begins a relationship thinking we will be at odds with the other person but all too quickly, this destructive reactivity can take root in a relationship.
As a marriage and family therapist, I am financially compensated to regularly “eavesdrop” on the details of people’s most intimate moments. Talk about being in the front row of reality television! The counseling office is an ongoing parade of despair: broken marriages, teenagers’ rebellion and numerous emotional disorders, each tearing the family, and the person apart. Maybe that’s the reason I have no interest in TV “reality” programs. I am already saturated with it due to my chosen profession. Simply put, a counselor’s job is helping people sort through relationships in which they have completely lost intimacy…
Why is it that much of our society thrives on catching a glimpse of up-close and personal encounters? Where does the great need for viewing others’ most intimate moments come from? Frankly, why is it that pornography, one of the more lucrative and fast-growing industries on the worldwide web, ensnares millions of men and women? What drives us with an insatiable appetite for real survivors on an island or eavesdropping on the painful struggles of those wanting to be the next iteration of the TV show The Apprentice? The answer: people want to be right smack-dab in the middle of emotionally riddled encounters. At our core, we are made for intimacy.
Let’s further unpack our definition of intimacy by examining its four essential components—closeness, choice, curiosity, and cleaving.
Closeness is the first essential component. It creates a sense of serenity and comfort for the participants. The connection is strong and stable. Closeness implies vulnerability where each can be themselves with each other without fear of judgment. Two hearts woven together in unity and oneness. When merged in this way, division results in tearing and ripping of emotional tissues. Hence the strong command from God to not try and separate what God has put together.
One reason some people may not experience a sense of closeness with their companion is that the second essential component, choice, is missing. Intimacy is only possible when each participant has voice and choice. Choice is freedom of decision while voice is freedom of opinion. Both are essential elements for an intimate relationship. God knows this. It is why the creation story contains elements involving choice. Love only exists where choice is present. When choice is eliminated, so is intimacy. When one or both starting operating in more dominant ways, reducing voice and choice for the other, intimacy is compromised. My wife, Robin, and I practice offering choice daily. “Do you have a moment to talk?” is a usual starting point in a telephone conversation. “Would you be willing to hear what I have to say?” is another expression that increases choice in your relationship. Questions offer choice; declarations or commands suffocate choice.
Another essential component for intimacy is curiosity. Curiosity motivates us to know the other person in deeper ways, to seek to fully know them—their desires, their fears, their opinions, their perspectives. Curiosity involves questioning—asking open-ended questions with empathy and without judgment.
The final essential component of intimacy is cleaving, the act of faithfully loving. The sense of being attached to the other in such a way that any move to separate creates a tearing or injury. This is the risk of loving—of intimacy. We risk being hurt when we love. But any of us experiencing the intimacy I am describing know that the reward of cleaving and closeness far outweighs the risk of injury. — from The Responsive Marriage by Dr. Donald W. Welch
Next time, I will discuss the tools for achieving greater intimacy in your relationships.
Meet the Author
Dr. Donald W. Welch, PhD, MS, LMFT 50129
CEO & Founder of the Center for Enriching Relationships
Looking for additional support? While articles can offer helpful information and perspective, they’re not a substitute for personalized support. Working with a therapist can provide a space to explore your concerns more deeply, work through challenges, and develop strategies that fit your specific needs. Dr. Welch and his qualified team of therapists are here to offer professional help when you’re ready to take that next step. Visit our website enrichingrelationships.org or call our office at 619-858-3105 to learn more about how we can support you.