Cracked Pots

— by Jo A. Henry, M.A., MFTI, CADC II, IMF Registered Intern #73203

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129

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CRACKED POTS
A Chinese Fable

A young water bearer in China carries two large pots, each hanging on ends of a pole resting across the back of his neck. One pot is cracked, while the other pot is perfect. Each day as the water bearer comes to the end of his long walk from the stream to his house, the pot with the crack arrives only half full while the perfect pot is perfectly full, delivering a full portion of water.

One beautiful spring day the young water bearer is strolling along the bubbling stream making his daily journey delivering only one and a half pots of water to his house. He notices a look of shame on the cracked pot and hears the downcast discouragement in its bitter complaints to the perfect pot about its perceived failures.

“I am so ashamed of my imperfections and poor performances day after day. I hear the praises, which you deserve, for your accomplishments because you are so perfect. Yet, I become more miserable realizing I will only ever accomplish half of what I am made to do. I will always be a failure.”

As the water bearer listens with compassion, the cracked pot says to the water bearer, "I am ashamed of myself, because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your house."

The water bearer is not alarmed, nor is he endorsing the cracked pot’s perception of its crack as failure. Instead the water bearer says to the pot, "Do you see the flowers growing on only one side of the path? These flowers are on your side of the path on our way home. Do you also see there are no flowers on the other side, the side of the path on which the perfect pot hangs on our way home?” 

The cracked pot is perplexed wondering and asking what this means. The water bearer explains: “I know (and have always known) about your crack. You view the crack in your side as a flaw, a weakness, a failure. I see the crack in your side as an opportunity. I love flowers and I hate wasting water, so every spring I plant seeds along the path and I use your drippings to water the flowers on your side of the road. Every day you are watering these flowers that I use to decorate my table. These beautiful flowers brighten my home because of you and the crack in your side. Without you, I would not have this beauty to grace my house.

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LESSONS from the CRACKED POT:

 The cracked pot’s view of his crack caused shame and discouragement that led to bitter sadness and a sense of failure and uselessness. This perception was colored with distortion and that distorted color influenced and distorted the pot’s belief system.

We all have unique flaws. We are all cracked pots. Do we believe that our view or our perceptions are facts? Do we view our flaws as failures? Do we give our distorted views influence over our beliefs about our self and about God?  What happens to our view of God or our view of God’s purpose for us when we believe our distorted perceptions?

How do we cracked pots prevent our flawed perceptions from becoming distorted beliefs?

1. FACTS: If facts are truth, then truth is factual.

How do we get down to ‘just the facts’? First we strip away all feelings, beliefs, and distorted views from the facts. This means eliminating all of our assumptions, opinions, and expectations. A true fact is agreed upon by all involved as true. Finding the fact is by far the most difficult task in dispelling false belief and distorted perceptions. We all find it difficult to give up our spin on things, our opinions about a situation, our assumptions especially about people, which are typically negative.

2. PERCEPTIONS: Perception is the lens through which we see life; a lens that colors our view.

Perceptions are not facts. Our perceptions are formed from all of our experiences. Therefore, each person’s perceptions are going to be unique to that person. Our experiences color our view of life in unique colors that make us who we are. However, they also can keep us from seeing things clearly. As we learn the color of our views, we are better able to change those colors. 

3. BELIEFS: Our beliefs are formed by our perceptions (the color of our view, our lens).

If we believe our perceptions are facts, we set ourselves up for error in our thinking. The cracked pot could only see (through its lens) the crack as failure, which influences the belief, “I will only ever … be a failure”.  When our beliefs do not line up with what God says about us, then we need to go back to the simple truth, the facts. The simple fact for the pot: there is a crack in the pot (period). Without the distortions, the fact stands alone without judgement or shame.

4. FEELINGS: Our feelings are fueled by our beliefs on our view of life.

I once heard that feelings are fickle, you can’t trust them. Feelings and emotions are fleeting like the wind. We can hear and feel the wind and sometimes see the influence of the wind, but we cannot catch or control the wind. So it is with our feelings. However, if feelings are fueled by our beliefs and our beliefs by our perception, then change must start with our beliefs and perceptions and feelings will follow.

 5. ACTIONS: Our actions, attitudes, thoughts, and words do not happen in a vacuum.  

What we do (action) is activated by how we feel. Actions are the visible part of the iceberg, with feelings, beliefs, and perceptions leading the way down to the facts, the truth. Most people want to change what is visible; theirs or someone else’s actions. However, our actions are not at the heart of most matters, our perceptions are at the heart. Simple change of our beliefs and perceptions can produce different actions. True and lasting change must get down to the heart of the actions.

FACTS are TRUTH
Facts and Truth are fixed, stable, secure, and unchanging. 
Our view of the facts is what constitutes change.

The FACTS are colored by our PERCEPTION
Our perceptions color the facts; however, perceptions are NOT facts. 
Our perceptions form the lens through which we view our life. 

Our PERCEPTIONS influence our BELIEFS
Our perceptions or lenses are colored or distorted by our experiences. 
Our lenses inform our beliefs. 

Our BELIEFS influence our FEELINGS
Our beliefs are colored or distorted by our lens.
Our beliefs fuel our feelings

AND
Our FEELINGS influence our ACTIONS
Our feelings erupt from our belief system igniting our actions.
Our feelings are catalysts to our actions.

Our ACTIONS are the result of our PERCEPTIONS, BELIEFS, and FEELINGS
First order change is simply changing what we do.
Second order change is in knowing why and knowing how change needs to happen, and then changing.

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Written by - Jo A. Henry, M.A., MFTI, CADC II
Marriage & Family Therapist Registered Intern (IMF #73203)
Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129; Supervising Therapist
Center for Enriching Relationships, Inc. 619.858.3105

Will Therapy Work for Me?

— by Will Armentrout, MA, IMF Registered Intern #75851

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129

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Before starting therapy, many people ask, "Will therapy work for me?" I believe that therapy can work for almost anyone, as long as four crucial components are in place. The following components are essential to achieving your goals:

1. Our relationship

Numerous studies show that a strong therapist-client connection predicts success in therapy more than the type of therapy used by the therapist. In other words, if we connect, we are likely to do some good work. I will do my best create an environment where you feel safe to express yourself without fear of rejection, judgment or condemnation.

2. Therapy designed for you

I consider you the expert on you. Only you can teach me about yourself and guide me into your world. I will strive to understand your view of the problem, your goals and expectations for therapy, how you think change will occur, and how fast you think the treatment should take. In this way, our work together will be tailored uniquely to you.

3. Your strengths and resources

Unfortunately, we are not always able to see ourselves as clearly or positively when we are struggling. I will help you to rediscover the resources that you have always had but might have overlooked. I will encourage you to consider your spiritual beliefs to discover your spiritual resources.

4. Your commitment

How committed are you to pursue healing? As we work together, I promise to invest my energy, insight, compassion and guidance to help you get what you seek. But I cannot do the work for you. All I ask is that you apply yourself. Change is only possible, if you pursue it. Only you can change you. Without you, nothing can happen.

The Hobbit

— by Kirk Miller, MA, IMF Registered Intern #72447

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129

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Introduction of Cultural issue:

I can’t wait to see the Hobbit!  I mean I really, really can’t wait.  I am known to fall asleep at Transformers movies but I want to be there at midnight to see the Hobbit.  I absolutely love these stories.  I’ve been thinking; why is that?  Then a thought came to me, The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings trilogy gives me a picture of what it means to be human.What does it mean to you to be human?  Why are we the way, well, that we are?  You know, messed up, courageous, beautiful and sometimes ugly.  What is the essence of being human?  When I read the Hobbit I am struck with many thoughts but the one that sticks out the most to me is the humanity that is displayed in these hobbits, elves, orcs, wizards and yes even bears!  (Gotta read the book to get the bear reference)

Before I get too far though, let me start with a caveat for all you L.O.T.R. nerds (which I am too), I don’t speak for Tolkien, these are my observations.  Tolkien was clear saying his story was NOT a spiritual allegory or hidden theology.  This theology soup is all my take.  Ok, are you calm now?  Good.

Theological tie:

What Tolkien does best in his amazing stories is tap into the essence of humanity, giving us a picture of ourselves at our best potential and worst.  Here is a definition of humanity that I’ve found to be true in Scripture.  I believe that the constitutional nature of humanity is Spiritual (Matt 10:28), Biological (1 Cor. 15:44) and Psychological (Matt. 22:37).  

Theological Breakdown:

We are spirit, we are physical and we are psychological in our nature.  All three of these aspects create one personality, connected instead of compartmentalized.  All three aspects of humanity are in need to be redeemed together not separately.  That’s why what we do with our bodies effects our spirit as well (1 Cor. 6:16-19).  If I have a physical need my spirit and psyche will need attending to as well.  This is what I love about Bilbo Baggins and really most of the Hobbits, they are fully aware of how their spiritual needs are attached to their physical and psychological needs.  In Fact a picture of our humanity, like in the Hobbit, gives us a picture of who our Creator is, since we are created in his image.  The image of God is something that humans are, not something humans attain; “A key expression is that God made the human in God’s own image and likeness” (Erickson, 1998, p. 518).  It is universal to all humankind and we all equally share in the image with no greater degree than anyone else, the image is the essence of ourselves that allows us to have relationships, free will, and thinking and reflecting as part of us (Erickson, p. 532). The communicable attributes of God which “are those qualities of God for which at least a partial counterpart can be found in His human creations” (Erickson, p. 533) make up the image of God that we all share together.  The implications of the image of God for us are that we are God’s creation (Gen. 9:6) and we belong to Him and we will only truly be human when we align ourselves with God becoming a follower of Jesus (2 Cor. 3:18).  David Benner (2004) describes the concept of self as directly tied to our knowledge of God.  In his book “The Gift of Being Yourself” he quotes John Calvin saying, “There is no deep knowing of God without a deep knowing of self and no deep knowing of self without a deep knowing of God” (p. 20).  This points to the fact that we are uniquely tied to God; in scripture he often talks of us being his children speaking again to our connection to Him.  We are designed in God’s image and our humanity reflects His greatness and creativity.  Knowing that each of us are created in the image of God allows me to see each person as special and unique, having insurmountable worth intrinsically.  No one is a mistake; no one is worthless or less valuable because we are all created by the One who has more worth than anything.  Nothing God puts his hands to or creates is bad and nothing He touches could be anything less than amazing.  Also to be human means we are designed for relationship, Seamands (2005) says “To be a person is to be made in the image of God: that is the heart of the matter.  If God is a communion of persons inseparably related, then…it is in our relatedness to others that our being human consists” (Seamands, p. 35).  I recognize that all humanity was created for relationship because we are created by a relational God.    

Cultural tie:

Like most good art, I believe the Hobbit connects to us because it reflects our humanity, the good bad and the ugly.  Tolkien’s genius was to “sub create” (a word he used for his creative works) a story where we can explore what it means to be human and how we relate to our world and others.  I love how art can do that!

Wrap up:

As you go to the movie or read the book try to see how the theology of humanity comes to life in this story.  Even though unintentionally, I believe Tolkien gave us a great theological picture of our humanity to explore.

Share your thoughts.

Integration of Christianity and Psychology

— by William Armentrout, MA, IMF Registered Intern #72447

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129

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Despite what early psychologists, like Freud, and anti-psychology Christians believe, psychology and spirituality are complimentary, not antithetical. Currently, we are seeing a growing realization among therapists, both secular and spiritual, that human spirituality is a source of great strength. Spirituality imparts deeper metaphysical meaning to our lives. Faith shifts our vision from our own shortcomings and weakness and points us to a power much greater than anything we possess. The spiritual component of human experience is recognized as a viable source of inspiration and strength to produce change.

More specifically, more and more Christians recognize that psychological observations illuminate our understanding of human cognition, emotionality and experience. Whereas the Bible gives some very specific instructions on how one might become more emotionally and spiritually healthy, psychology gives us insight into the emotional and mental dynamic of our experience and provides us with tools to enact the Bible’s instructions.  Let me illustrate with a few examples.

Paul instructs Christians to take every thought captive and make them obedient to Christ (2 Cor. 10:5). How, specifically, are we to accomplish this? Studies show that the average person has sixty thousand thoughts go through their mind each day. Cognitive Therapy provides the therapeutic tools to help us become aware of more of these thoughts and to identify our self-limiting beliefs and cognitive distortions so that we might replace them with whatever is true, noble, right, pure, lovely admirable, excellent and praiseworthy (Phil. 4:8). 

In the book of Romans, Paul instructs us to no longer conform to the patterns of this world (Rom 12:1). Psychoanalytic Therapy posits that the patterns that have the greatest impact over our emotions and behavior come from our family of origin. What happens to us in childhood contributes to how we function as adults. Utilizing psychoanalytic therapy can help us gain understanding how our experiences during childhood impact our emotional and relational health and help change these patterns that limit or control our behavior. 

In another part of the book of Romans, Paul encourages us to think of ourselves in a different way, to consider ourselves as dead to sin and alive to God in Christ Jesus (Rom 6:11). In other words, Paul is encouraging us to tell a different story about ourselves, which is one of the core interventions of Narrative Therapy. Narrative therapists encourage clients to see themselves, not as victims or flawed, but as separate from their problems. Paul did exactly the same thing in Romans 7, where he identified sin as something separate from himself (Rom. 7:14-20).

These are just a few examples I have discovered where psychology informs the biblical imperatives. I imagine other connections could be made to other therapeutic modalities. I offer these as clear examples of the complimentary relationship between biblical truth and psychological interventions. If “All truth is God’s truth,” then psychological observation of human emotional and mental processes, and the interventions developed from this observation, can only help us achieve the emotional and relational health we desire and will in no contradict God’s will for our lives.

Balancing Technology with Children

— by Kimberly Nelson, MS, LMFT

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Recently I was in one of the Pacific Rim Elementary school classrooms when the kids were asked, “what is your favorite thing to do?” A few of the children answered arts and crafts, soccer, skiing, other sports and activities but the majority said that their favorite thing to do was watch TV, play the Wii, play their X-Box or some other electronic device. Did I mention that this was a kindergarten class? My child was one of the many who cited electronic entertainment as the favorite thing to do. I get concerned about my kids getting addicted to the electronic toys of the 21st century. Many parents I talk to also struggle with this issue. Our children are immersed in a technologically driven culture. As parents of school aged kids it is important to balance the use of technology for leisure activities (DS,, PS-3, I-phone to name a few) with the use of our children’s imaginations, physical energy and creativity. This balance is difficult to maintain. While searching for ideas to help my kindergarten twins in this area I compiled a list of suggestions that hopefully will assist other parents.

*Set limits with electronic devices and stick to your limits.
The recommendation for TV/technology used by the American Academy of Pediatrics is typically no more then 1-2 hours a day. When a child doesn’t have limits in this area they tend to over utilize technology leading to weary eyes, headaches, lack of focus and lack of exercise (except with the Wii). Recently my son didn’t listen to me when I told him his electronics time was up. I took away all electronics the next day. He ended up making a fort with is friends, playing freeze dance and wrote about what a great time he had the next day at school.

*Keep the TV set out of kid’s rooms. If the temptation is there to watch TV they will take it. Kids who have televisions in their rooms watch more TV then kids who do not have bedroom TVs. The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) currently suggests that "pediatricians recommend to parents that they limit children's total media time (with entertainment media) to no more than 1 to 2 hours of quality programming per day and to remove television sets from children's bedrooms”1

*Encourage creative and imaginative play. Create a file of imaginative and fun activities (many ideas can be found in publications such as the Family Fun magazine) for the kids. When they say “there is nothing to do” have them pick out something from the file to try. If they don’t like the options after looking at three activities they need to come up with their own idea, try it and write it down for the file. This is great for the summer. The Boes’ family, of Vista, have their kids play outside 30 minutes for every 15 minutes of computer/game time. After awhile the kids forget to come in for their technology time because they are having so much fun outside.

*Encourage physical exercise. We started a community play date on our street. At 3:00 p.m. on Fridays the kids all meet in front of the “host house” The mom provides a snack and the kids play. The moms visit while the kids go on the slip-n-slide, bouncy, make things with chalk, have an Easter egg hunt, put together a lemonade stand etc. The only rule is that everyone stays outside. I know of one neighborhood where the kids go in each other’s garages and play but not in the houses unless the parents know each other well. 

*Get your kids involved in extra curricular activities. Sign-up for sports, music, art, ballet etc. Encourage them to pursue the things they love. Expose them to a variety of activities. Help them unwrap their areas of giftedness. 

*Go on a nature walk, to the park or the beach. My kids don’t always want to go but they end up having a great time. One of the kindergarten classes has a Thursday play date right after school at Poinsettia Park. The kids play and get their energy out and have fun.

*Put the kids in charge of dinner (this works well when you have nothing in the pantry). Give them a budget, make a menu, make a list, go to the store, have the kids pay with the money budgeted and supervise while they make it. Kids will be more likely to eat what they helped create.

*Be an informed consumer. There are websites with information on the content in movies(www.pluggedinonline.com) and TV, and games (www.commonsensemedia.org). Kids don’t always watch/play age appropriate things and parents can be aware of the content and help guide them and set the ground rules for shows and games they are allowed to watch/play. 

Many parents of school aged children struggle with the balancing the use of technology and imaginative play. Although the balance is hard to find we can be intentional and help our kids discover many of the exciting ways to use their imaginations and have fun without even turning on a game or TV.

Kimberly Nelson MS, MFT
Kimberly Nelson is a Marriage and Family Therapist and mother of twin kindergarteners who can be reached at 760-434-2370 or knelson@FCSsandiego.com

From Rock Picking to Boundary Setting

— by Jo A. Henry, M.A., MFTI, CADC II, IMF Registered Intern #73203

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph.D., LMFT, License #LMFT 50129

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The folks living in and around St. Cloud, Minnesota were hard working farmers. When my family lived near St. Cloud we were introduced to an unusual local custom; “rock picking”.

During the long harsh Minnesota winter months the earth was hard and hidden from sight. Although the earth was still hidden at the beginning of spring, there was activity going on just below the snow and ice covered soil. The sun moved into a closer orbit warming the barren landscape, melting the snow into the hard earth beneath, softening the soil, and causing unseen phenomena. Changing the landscape from winter snow, the earth pushed its boulders of all sizes and shapes to the surface.

Enlisting the help of kids released for a week from school, kids and adults walked together hoisting boulder after boulder onto the back of flatbed trucks. Unsure if skipping school was worth all this effort, the kids still helped every year, providing the adults invaluable help. Continuing this back breaking chore, the boulders were removed growing into huge piles so the crops could be planted. The huge piles of rocks were taken to the peripheries of each farm forming rock wall boundaries. Driving through the countryside, the sight of rocks stood out as distinct boundaries between the green knee-high corn stalks.

What can we learn from the farmer and the rock?

Harsh experiences in our lives push our huge boulder sized problems through the soil of our hearts to the surface disturbing and preventing growth and change of seeds planted by God. Removing these boulders alone cannot always be done. We may need “rock picking” help from others. Working together lifting rocks out of the soil and piling them into boundaries protects and provides defense from danger and difficulty.

How can we apply lessons from the boulders to boundaries?

• Recognize the nature of hidden sins. They may be hidden for a season, but they will eventually emerge, chocking our growth and change.

• Admit our need for help. We are stronger together than alone. As we confess our sins and our needs to one another the weight of the burden is lightened.

• God doesn’t waste anything, He uses all our experiences. Building boundaries out of the boulders strengthen our resolve to eliminate that sin from our lives.

The Dip

— by Kimberly Nelson, MS, LMFT

Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist #45871

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Every January is the opportunity for a fresh start and new beginning to hit refresh and motivate. One of my favorite things to do in early January is put together my goals for the year. I’ve been doing this for many years and love to see the progress over the year. Certain goals I wrote down for myself would show up but not get accomplished. Has that ever happened to you? For example, I had a goal of getting back into sewing.  I sewed as a child but was by no means an expert. I liked the idea of whipping up some curtains or a decorative pillow like all DIY experts do with ease. Year after year I would write the goal on my list and never accomplish it. My goal fell victim to the Dip.

The dip is the phenomenon that occurs when you have a big goal (lets say run a marathon in 2016) that gets overwhelming early on so you just give up. So even though the gym is packed the first 3 weeks of January by Feb 15th half of those motivated atheletes have given up their workout and decided to stay home, hibernate and be a couch potato. The reason we tend to lose steam on our goals is they are so big they become overwhelming. So even though the goal may be a marathon to have success it is important to have sub goal to work towards the bigger goal and avoid letting the dip derail your plans.  So for the runner it might mean run 1 mile within the first month of creating the goal. When you meet the sub goal reward yourself. Do something kind for yourself and celebrate your accomplishment with an accountability partner. Then  keep working on your goal. So as we get into 2016 I’m excited to work on my goals this year. I may never be a seamstress (just an HGTV fan) but I do have a marathon under my belt and even met my husband’s goal to beat his marathon time!

There is Grace and Strength in Weakness

— by Petrea Huynh, MA, IMF Registered Intern #90087

Supervised by Donald W. Welch, Ph. D, LMFT, Lic. #MFC 50129

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My personal new years resolution is: "I will focus on my positive attributes, allowing them to grow. And I will be open and honest about my faults without granting them focus." Then later I came upon the bible passage: "But he said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.' Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong." (2 Corinthians 12: 9-10 ESV)

There is grace and strength in weakness. Rather than shunning ourselves for our character defects and personal shortcomings, we might find our most profound experience of Grace when we allow ourselves access and self-knowledge to our own greatest struggles. God dwells there. This topic of the importance of self-knowledge in our spiritual journey was marinating in my mind when a close friend came to me, frustrated by the realization that she had made a similar new years resolution year after year, without achieving lasting victory over her perceived shortcoming. After dialoguing with her and praying on the importance of personal growth and the importance of fortitude (strength and conviction to change and to grow even in the face of perceived failure) I became very much convinced that it might often be necessary for us humans to have the same resolution year after year. We must admit what is hurting, what is dysfunctional, what is broken or damaging to others within ourselves and in our lives before we might hope to make real progress in changing ourselves. And such self-awareness (and cognitive growth), and subsequent tangible change might just take more than one year. The point of new years resolutions as a human being invested in spiritual growth is that we allow God in. And this is perhaps one of our most important tasks as human beings.